Christian Moviegoers Beware!
The Two Towers is Homo Slang For Erect Hobbit Penises
Important Notice For Christian Parents. The new movie, The Two Towers makes up for its lack of on screen sex scenes with some of the most horrifying, blood wrenching violence ever to splatter the silver screen. "That's why, at first glance, the film is very appealing to True Christians®," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "However, we must be careful not to get overly excited about movies that come so close to depicting what our loving Lord Jesus has in store for sinners. Christians know that nothing man could ever conceive on film will ever match the glorious barbecue of burning flesh that God has promised for all those who don't worship Jesus. I doubt Hollywood could ever litter a whole valley with hacked up pieces of human flesh and body parts, or fill a river with the hot, fresh steaming blood of the unsaved. Only the Lord can do that! And the Bible tells us He will! As True Christians®, we are promised front row seats for that glorious show. And the price for admission was covered 2,000 years ago by Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection!
And friends, the reviews for that show, even though it hasn't happened yet, are already in. And they are raves. Five stars! You see, the Lord's Word tells us that once the world is covered with rotting corpses, saved Christians will "rejoice over them and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another" (Revelation 11:5-10)." Praise! Now, as a True Christian, that is the type of spoiler I don't mind! I think I speak for all Baptists when I say, 'Bring on the rotting bodies, sweet Jesus!'"
Pastor Deacon Fred went on to note that although the violence in The Two Towers film is some of the best he's ever seen outside of the Holy Bible, that the hidden sexual agenda in the movie makes it unwatchable to anyone other than a qualified minister of God.
Pastors who were allowed to see the first film, The Fellowship of the Ring, remember that toward the end, one of the male hobbits (which is slang for "homo boy with a little bitty [insert unchristian word here] hanging between his legs") fell so much in love with the main character, Frodo (another male hobbit), that he committed the ultimate homosexual sacrifice by ruining his hairdo and nearly drowning himself to prove his loyalty. Although sodomy is now suggested in nearly every scene where the two creatures appear together, thankfully, the producers leave the disgusting homosexuality (which was so much a part of the novels) off camera. There are some scenes where the hobbits appear together in one sleeping bag and a lewd discussion about what sinful act led to both their palms and feet becoming so hairy, but that's about it. “By moving dozens of deviant sex scenes between those hairy little perverts off screen, the producers were able to achieve a PG13 rating," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "And make no mistake, my dear friends; here at Landover Baptist, PG means 'pretty gay.'"
Although we don't know too much about the director of The Two Towers movie, we are told that he was plucked from the overweight, unkempt men with glasses who play Dungeons and Dragons and live in their mother's basement crowd. This type of person is part of a dangerous and destructive class of sissified sex-perverts who can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Their type force American Christians to participate in their make believe worlds by creating movies, online role-playing games, and books of fiction. "If we could only get these fat little momma's boys to take a bath and sit in a Baptist Church on a Sunday Morning, they would be able to hear true stories from the Holy Bible about talking snakes (Genesis 3:1), a time when giants roamed the Earth (Genesis 6:4), a guy who stops the sun from moving (Joshua 10:12-13), folks who routinely live to be 900 years old (Genesis 5:2-32), people who can open up whole seas like a zipper (Exodus 14:26-28), folks who camp out in whale's stomachs (Matthew 12:40), flying horses (2 Kings 2:11), gentlemen who are able to live inside furnaces (Daniel 3), stinky rotting corpses that jump out of graves (John 11:39-44), and swimming seven headed fire breathing leopards sent to destroy the world, (Revelation 13:1-10)" says Pastor Deacon Fred. "And then maybe these sweaty little four-eyed plumpers would stop making up silly fantasy films and start churning out movies based on factual events from the Holy Bible.
We can't expect secular film critics to understand what Satan is doing with this movie. They don't have the scholarly Christian background necessary to understand all the nuances of God's otherwise seemingly insane Word. For example, that popcorn-munching, Junior Mints inhaling slob, Roger Ebert, NEVER attended vacation Bible school. And that swishy Jew, Leonard Maltin, never had the Holy Spirit hovering over his shoulder to help him read between the lines and see that the love affair between the hobbits, Frodo and Sam, mirrors the strained homosexual relationship between J.R.R. Tolkien and his English lover, Theologian, C.S. Lewis.
As True Christians® we make it our business to investigate the personal lives of famous people who claim to be Christians. As we understand it, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is riddled with hints and clues of secret meeting places in Oxford, where Tolkien and Lewis would shed their garments between classes and put their hands where even a man's tailor has no business! Of course, homosexuality is a common enough practice in English schools, as seen in the most recent Harry Potter film. Most young English boys try it anywhere from once to 15,000 times and are done with it, whereas Tolkien and Lewis continued their lecherous love affair well into their wrinkled old 80's. I thank the Lord Jesus on High that He hadn't invented Viagra until after those two randy old coots were safely dispatched to Hell. But in any event, one can only imagine how difficult it was for those two geezers to hide their secret lust while keeping up appearances in the Christian mainstream. But we know from cases such as John Paulk, Director of Exodus International, that it is possible, even in these modern times, to fool the flock!
The very title of the film, The Two Towers, should raise suspicion among True Christians®. Secular humanists and Atheists always chide us for seeing sex where their foolish, ignorant minds cannot. But alas, it is there, raising its malignant form as usual. It's Satan's way of being childish, and it's our job to call him on it. This time around, you don't have to be a Bible Scholar or a Creation Scientist to see that The Two Towers are giant structures built to glorify and honor the aroused genitalia of two of the most powerful evil beings in the movie. The imagery is kept discrete only by the merciful fact that both creatures are uncircumcised – otherwise the shape of two enormous, throbbing purple penis heads would have been staring every moviegoer in the face! The citizens of Middle Earth pick which penis they like best and head toward it. The Two Towers are merely there to show what the macabre genitalia of each Dark Lord looks like from great distances. And as anyone who has been in a men's locker room can attest, it is only the dark ones you can see from clear across the room. Well, Satan, we're not laughing! You are sick, and your perverted, disgusting sense of humor has gone too far this time. True Christians® are not going to stand still and let you tempt us by appealing to our natural love of Godly, Bible-based human carnage only to sucker us into seeing a film that is nothing more than a vehicle to promote your twisted sexual agenda! And I stand here firm before you to say: we will not allow you to wag ungodly enormous penises in the face of our women!
We need to mention here that most Christian movie critics believe that Satan instructed the director of the Two Towers to exhaust every available resource in order to find a way to promote his perverted sexual agenda. Viewers will be shocked to see scenes where Peter Jackson intentionally crosses the lines of moral decency by blurring the gender identity of the Dark Lord Sauron. "It's fairly clear that they are trying to get us to think of The Dark Lord Sauron as a man, and then that fat little pervert of a director peppers in the notion that he is also a woman, sort of like that Jamie Lee Curtis person," says Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "Mr. Jackson keeps flashing this giant red vagina that almost looks like an eye, on the screen every time he makes reference to the Dark Lord. I believe that Satan, the Prince of Darkness, and Peter Jackson, the director of the Two Towers, are working very closely together on this project. They are using a new technique called, 'subliminal messaging,' which, last I heard, is illegal outside of churches in the state of Iowa."
We could go on forever about this movie, but there should be enough information at this point to stop True Christians® who were harboring plans to see the film. If you need further details and would like to read more on this subject, there is a 100-page pamphlet available. Copies may be purchased for $12.99 in the main lobby of the Landover Baptist Resort Tower & Hotel. The pamphlets are also available for purchase in the Narthex of the Main Sanctuary and the Fellowship Hall Bookstores of the Landover Baptist Church on the East and West Campuses. If you are in urgent need of the pamphlet before next weekend, they are also being made available in Leviticus Acres' Sportsman's Chapel and Chop House and in the Landover Christian Invitational Golf Course Pro-Shop. The three Christian bookstores at Landover Mall will not have the pamphlets until next Saturday. The information available in the pamphlet goes into detail about the intentional mockery of Christ and his resurrection in the reappearance of the sorcerer, Gandalf. It explains the implied bestiality that occurs off camera in the relationship between a man and an elf. The pamphlet also contains information about the races of middle earth that could prove helpful if you are witnessing to an unsaved person who has seen the film. Of particular interest is the greedy little Jewish dwarf, Gimli. There is also extended commentary by Pastor Deacon Fred on how Al Qaeda operatives were inspired by the Arabic translation of Tolkien's "The Two Towers," in determining the World Trade Center as their initial target.